Mama Bear

Last night around 1:30 am I woke up. I had a bad dream, one of those dreams that sticks with you. One of those dreams that you can't go back to sleep from.  The short of it was there was a bear in my basement of our old house on Bogert Road.  I heard it coming so I opened the door from the kitchen leading down to the stairs and I remembered that Dough Boy tried to get through but I kicked him back with my leg cause I didn't want him to get eaten and then shut the door behind me leaving him and Luca upstairs.  I walked down the stairs to find the bear right at the bottom, somewhere I wasn't expecting him to be. He grabbed my hand with his big teeth but it didn't hurt, I couldn't feel it but the pain in my heart was huge.  I had realized I had made a big mistake going down the stairs and that this bear was going to kill me but that is not why I was scared or in pain. I was scared because I knew that this bear was going to kill me then go upstairs and kill my dog and my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. I woke in a panic. My heart hurt. I couldn't protect my baby boy no matter what from the big bear that was coming for him. I actually thought of all the things I could have done differently instead.  I thought of all the things that I could have done but didn't to save him because I didn't think for a second it would end this way.  I immediately thought of the pour parents of those 20 children and for a split second I felt a fraction of their pain. 
A few minutes later I heard lil' man stirring on the monitor. I turned on the video to see what he was doing. He was awake and looking for froggie. He doesn't sleep with a night light so he was feeling around the crib in search of his soft satin blanket he sleeps with on his head.  At one point he reached down with his right hand and grabbed the sleeve of his left arm and pulled it up only to find that it wasn't froggie but only himself.  I don't usually go in to his room at night but after that dream I just had to. I had to go save the night and give my lil' man his frog. I walked in as stealth like as possible and grabbed the frog and dropped it on his head but as soon as I turned away he began to cry. I was spotted! I had to go back. I reached down and grabbed him and held him tight. Mommy's hear and froggie too.
Since Steven often abandons me in the middle of the night for cooler and quieter beds I brought Luca in to bed with me. As I moved the pillows aside and lied him down in the darkness of our room he let out a "mama".  My heart melted. That was the first time he had said that to me because he knew it was me, he wasn't just babbling. He knew that I am his mama, his mama bear. 

Devastated!

I have been a mom now for almost 8 months and every morning I drag myself out of bed somewhere between 7-8 a.m. I pee and brush my teeth before stumbling into lil' man's room.  There he is lying in his crib with froggie kicking away. How long has he been up? An hour? 5 minutes? Who knows? I sure don't but he lies there patiently waiting for his lazy mom to come and get him. As the sleepiness falls from my eyes my heart starts to warm as I walk across the room to his crib knowing I am about to experience the most amazing part of my life, his smile as he sees his mommy. For those of you that know him you know I have the best boy in the world. He is so easy going and happy. He loves everyone and laughs all the time. Okay, so some of that is a little biased. He is my love, my joy and my heart. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry. He makes me smile and he makes me curse and all in five minutes but I love my lil' man!
As I hold my not so little boy anymore I think of how big he is getting and how quickly he will grow up.  I think of how I can protect him, care for him and make his life as painless as possible.  I know I can't put him an a bubble and keep him safe forever. I know there are no guarantees but I will do what ever possible for him and I know I will just love him more and more everyday. No matter what life has in store for me I will do my best to get through it for my Lil' Man!
I can honestly say that yesterday's events have hit me hard and I know it is because I am now a mom. Of course if I wasn't a mom now I would still be saddened by what happened in Newtown.  After all I have a niece, my goddaughter, who is in the first grade in CT.  But now I have that bond, that bond that tugs at your heart when you hear his cry. That bond that warms you like a blanket when he belly laughs at something you did. That bond that will protect him forever, my lil' man.