Mama Bear

Last night around 1:30 am I woke up. I had a bad dream, one of those dreams that sticks with you. One of those dreams that you can't go back to sleep from.  The short of it was there was a bear in my basement of our old house on Bogert Road.  I heard it coming so I opened the door from the kitchen leading down to the stairs and I remembered that Dough Boy tried to get through but I kicked him back with my leg cause I didn't want him to get eaten and then shut the door behind me leaving him and Luca upstairs.  I walked down the stairs to find the bear right at the bottom, somewhere I wasn't expecting him to be. He grabbed my hand with his big teeth but it didn't hurt, I couldn't feel it but the pain in my heart was huge.  I had realized I had made a big mistake going down the stairs and that this bear was going to kill me but that is not why I was scared or in pain. I was scared because I knew that this bear was going to kill me then go upstairs and kill my dog and my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. I woke in a panic. My heart hurt. I couldn't protect my baby boy no matter what from the big bear that was coming for him. I actually thought of all the things I could have done differently instead.  I thought of all the things that I could have done but didn't to save him because I didn't think for a second it would end this way.  I immediately thought of the pour parents of those 20 children and for a split second I felt a fraction of their pain. 
A few minutes later I heard lil' man stirring on the monitor. I turned on the video to see what he was doing. He was awake and looking for froggie. He doesn't sleep with a night light so he was feeling around the crib in search of his soft satin blanket he sleeps with on his head.  At one point he reached down with his right hand and grabbed the sleeve of his left arm and pulled it up only to find that it wasn't froggie but only himself.  I don't usually go in to his room at night but after that dream I just had to. I had to go save the night and give my lil' man his frog. I walked in as stealth like as possible and grabbed the frog and dropped it on his head but as soon as I turned away he began to cry. I was spotted! I had to go back. I reached down and grabbed him and held him tight. Mommy's hear and froggie too.
Since Steven often abandons me in the middle of the night for cooler and quieter beds I brought Luca in to bed with me. As I moved the pillows aside and lied him down in the darkness of our room he let out a "mama".  My heart melted. That was the first time he had said that to me because he knew it was me, he wasn't just babbling. He knew that I am his mama, his mama bear.